To start off, this story is posted under an anonymous tag because I have tried to speak about the incident. I thought that after months of suppressing the memory and ending up blank and drained with bouts of immense rage, that I should talk about it.
It happened after the end of my four-year relationship with him. In the second year, he started by displaying immense rage at any action of mine and by the third year, he was twisting my arm and threatening to punch the wall. Any time I asked to be open and honest when I saw a call from someone who he claimed he never knew or when he was on a sex chat app and the email notification popped up while we were laying down together, he kept saying “you’re crazy, you imagine stuff” and telling me that I was permanently wrong even when I clearly saw something. It’s easy to tell someone in this situation that you should have left but hearing these things constantly make you stop believing; they damage your self esteem. When I found out he cheated on me for a year, I decided to seek support and what I was told was that I was sad and that makes men seek other women and that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. The person continued to say that it was because tears make men angry. I decided to shut myself down completely and believe that it was my fault.
After we broke up, whenever I ended up low I reached out to call him and he would come over. At first, I would feel sick if we had any physical contact. When he would leave, I would cry looking at myself in the mirror because I didn’t know what kind of human being would attract this bullshit every single time to her own self. Then it happened. We were drinking together and I decided to go to bed. I woke up to him flipping me over and thrusting himself inside me. I didn’t believe myself. I thought maybe I asked for it or I somehow knew this was happening. My pants were lying neatly folded on the furniture next to the mattress. So carefully folded like he had never even bothered to in our entire relationship with anything. The next time, I told him we would never get physical again because I did not want to. When he asked again and decided to leave if I didn’t have sex, I still said no.
Then one night I had gone out drinking and called him. I told him I was having a terrible day. We went to his place and the alcohol was kept on the side. I didn’t want to drink and slept with my back against him. I clearly remember going to sleep on my side. I woke up in the morning to my pants neatly folded on the same furniture. There was a shooting pain on the back where he probably inserted his fingers or penis all night without flipping me over. He knew that I should not wake up. I wore my pants and was completely blank. I asked him, “did something happen last night?” and he said no, he does not remember. I checked the bottles and he hadn’t drank anything. I went home and entered the washroom and let the burning sensation of my pee and the intense pain take over. It had all happened at the back. It felt like how sex would have never made me feel. Just pain.
After many months, I decided to tell a trusted person.
All that a survivor receives is detachment from the person after listening to the story or comments such as “why did you go in the room? you were in a relationship before so he didn’t need to check if you wanted it. Men are just like that. You’re the one who should not have gone.” Till date, I don’t know what to believe but my blood boils when I hear this. Saying the word rape hurt, hearing about it hurt. A survivor wants to speak and be understood and most importantly, not subjected to burning questions like the sensation that came with it. I DIDN’T ASK FOR IT. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT TO BE BELIEVED.
Have you sought any sort of medical help, therapy etc?
Any particular resources that you recommend or have used to help you recover?
No, I felt like telling a therapist was reliving the judgement.